vivacious

bereft

2012-01-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

tonight was the last night that i would speak to you... //so i wake up this morning, the 26th of jan 2012, and after usual morning stretches, i check the weather outside. as i look out the balcony to gaze the city & the weather, my eyes catch the corner of 10th & spring & some of w. peachtree. through the dim lights of the parking lot & foggy morning weather, i see a handful of men getting out of their cars & putting on a uniform; that uniform resembles orange or yellow vests (the kind that have a reflector on the back) and white hard hats. this is the uniform you put on every morning for your living; this type of work which you provided financially for me & mother & the rest of the kids.is this ironic i saw the construction workers as soon as i woke up to this memory of you? a coincidence? or destined? all three?it reminded me of the mornings i would wake up with you at 5am, just to get up. we were both morning people. mother was a early bird as well, but usually slept until 9am. and coffee was always ready by 5:15am; coffee, yum! two spoons of cream & sugar, just the way you liked it! you always made your bed every morning & usually had the following three options as back ground noise: weather channel, local news, or espn sports recap updates, especially if it was braves, falcons, or thrasher season :)//((here are a few photographs, very pixelated, that are but a brief history of my father & our relationship :) ))

((HELLO WORLD! i was just minuets old here in my father's arms))

((with the two most important men in my life: my grandfather, Papa & my father.))//i remember how you use to try to tell me stories for bedtime about cowboys & indians-yet YOU were always the one to fall asleep before me, hence nodding off while telling the stories. ha. i remember you always told me how beautiful i looked & how beautiful i was. you are the only person (beside mother & one guy once) to give me flowers-you know its not my thing, but i have those specific flowers i love and you would, every valentines and every birthday, purchase a bouquet and write the sweetest cards to me. you taught me that i have ONE REPUTATION in this life to keep & that one can never get a good reputation back if ruined; i've never forgotten that. (with certain people this has occurred where i left a bad vibe with others...opps! lesson really learned) you were always very complimentary to me & to jane & to our mother, even in front of us, which gave us a great impression of how a man should be towards us. with those big tough hands, you always gave the best back rubs & foot rubs. you never gave up on me in sports, that is unless i had a terrible attitude on the tennis courts, then you walked off. yet another, lesson learned daddy-o!//i still remember that brad paisley song "i'm still a guy" & you had to explain to me what the lyric "still have a pair" meant; yeah, i was totally out of college & had no idea what that part of the song meant. mom & dad award for keeping their kid the most naïve kid in the world...!!!on your favorite things in life besides family/sports/nature, were: the men & women who fought/fight for our country or died for our freedom; your mother & your sisters; certain old black & white john wayne movies; these are the times you got choked up & i saw your tears. it made me cry to see you cry, but showed me how a tough man has a soft & compassionately tender side for those things you cared deeply about. i want you to know that the last man i dated that you met & you shook hands with was in fact NOT the one who would take my hand (in marriage) as you thought and were slightly afraid of him doing..i remember exactly that conversation we had...// i recently listened to lyrics of a song that hit my heart strings directly: "i dont want to get used to its over; maybe happiness is worth the bitter end" (tune is 'me, myself & i' written & preformed by hanson) and father, with you, i still do not want to get use to "its over" . YES i have faced reality and YES your memory lives on, but that is, in fact, all that you are now to anyone who enters my life: a memory and i do not want to get use to that. then i listen to the tune "i hope you dance" by lee ann womack, the song you love for jane and i. growing up, i never really knew why you loved that song so much for us, but i am actually listening to it right now writing, and i'm getting it more & more, with each passing melodic verse. i am going to write about my current world, to you, through each line: "i havent lost my since of wonder-i'm a big dreamer but i get things done. i try to keep the hunger never taking one single breath for granted. LOVE did leave me empty handed, though the song says God-forbid it...it happened, it happen with the loss of both you & mother and the loss of the last man i dated. i do still feel small when i stand beside the ocean. many doors have closed, but many (more) have opened & still are opening; for that i am thankful. i have tried to give faith a fighting chance; i'm beginning to have faith not only in our Lord, but in faith itself. and to sit it out or dance? i dance and i have danced; i have danced.i dont fear the mountains in the distance, i dont settle nor settle for the past of least resistance. 'living might mean taking chances so take them' and daddy, i try to take those chances. why didn't you? why did you let fear and let your pride get in the way (of living)? chances, well, chances are worth taking. was loving a mistake? i, yet, dont know the answer to that question i ask myself. and to sit it out or dance? i dance and i have danced; and i am still dancing..."

((playing dress-up wedding. this is the closest i ever got to you walking me down the aisle))

((i love how you're smiling at me here :) so sweet! i think this is 1992))

((Coach Jim & all star short stop daughter ;) i think this was in 1993))

((on the hart/lord/cox family vacation-orange beach FL!!))

((us hiking through & fishing in sweetwater park))

((of course, me capturing you in what you loved to do in your free time: commune with God through nature/fishing))

((us after church, with my black/red bloody eye from softball, haha))

((you were there to see me crown the next pageant queen))

((after i spoke at my baccalaureate service for my high school 2004 class))

((this is the last photograph i took with both of my parents: christmas 2008))

((although these three photos were taken with my phone at the time in jan 2009, they are the last photographs i took with my father; blurry, but i cherish them. this was when i was going through a break up with my college boyfriend and my father came to visit me where i worked after long work day. my father just held my hand as we sat on the tailgate of his truck; he listened to me talk and cry and he offered his advice & then of course made me laugh & we took pictures on my phone together:))

father, you were such a wonderful example of who our heavenly Father must be like.. you spoke to me, respected me, you listened to me, believed in me, extended mercy & grace to me, touched, held and just loved me and taught me knowledgeable things the way a wonderful father should; you were always faithful to and deeply loved our mother: in speech, thought, & action; you kept all the boys at bay with your rugged ambiance; you were a father to most even if you didn't know them very well. you, Jim Lord, were an example of how our father in heaven must be, except God is even greater, but i cant even conceptualize how much greater the Lord is. the only thing i wish happened differently in you is your willingness to be more vulnerable & less prideful...opening up & talking through the most difficult of things isn't weak nor would have made you seem not in control. your pridefulness came before your fall; i feel like it was the thing that made you get really ill and eventually led you to your sudden, random, atrocious death. there are only a few good things that i realize (perhaps more will come in the future) came from your passing: i don't really rely on (or indiscriminately trust) people-i get things done on my own (i think its my way of protecting myself since youre not here to do it for me); i will get your wedding band; someone who was blind now has a fresh pair of beautiful blue eyes to see the world with; i cherish all your cards you ever wrote me more than ever; & all of the cards you & mother ever wrote to one another--->i'm making a book out of them to share with my future children the love story of your lives together.

((his hand in mine))so, yes, tonight was the last night, four years ago (i cannot believe its been four years since i last looked into your blue eyes or heard your voice), that i would speak to you. little did i know it. little did i know that this was the last time i would have the last conversation with you. little did i know or i would of stopped browsing through the make-up aisle and walked out of that cvs i was in so that i could grasp each syllable of each word of every sentence that was spoken to me from you. though thats quite unrealistic per no one knows when the last time will be with someone they love and i know i still need to forgive myself for the things undone or done in life, but this one thing i hold onto from our last conversation: you told me you would be back on the job the next day & we would see each other then and you told me three, yes THREE, different times in that conversation: "i love you" and i said i loved you back. i am so thankful i had that with you. father, i miss you doesnt covey it nor does i love you. but as best i can end this letter is the way you ended each "i love you" with me from the time i was a little girl up unto the time you passed, is how i will end this post, which is written to you, with: "i love you, with all of my heart, forever and always, as much as the sky".

[Pla] Beauty

2012-01-15T17:37:00.000-08:00

i just did a photoshoot with founder & CEO of [Pla] Beauty Cosmetic line, Stephanie Green Bass. Please read Stephanie's reasoning for starting the company and why it donates a portion of every purchase to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta!!

although this is a post-shoot photo just taken on my photo booth, it is still HOURS AFTER the initial application & look how GLOWING the make up looks :) please support this local cosmetic line that is BUSTING into the industry through Atlanta, GA, Nashville, TN & Rolling Hills Estates, CA and support the vision of this hard-working businesswoman & most importantly, mother, Stephanie Green Bass of [Pla] Beauty.**sneak peek photos of the shoot will be tagged via my twitter account soon. follow me https://twitter.com/#!/katelordMODEL***i will soon be the face of the Spring 2012 launch of [Pla] Beauty :) :) :)**** here is the link to the [Pla] Beauty Cosmetic line http://plabeauty.com/home.htm

cheers

2012-01-03T18:23:00.000-08:00

here's to 2012. its really nice to begin this year. real, real nice :) the feeling & adjective description coming to mind is: fresh.all of my goals relate, but they could easily be categorized into personal/spiritual/emotional/mental/intellectual/physical "goals"-nevertheless, i'm just looking forward to achieving the following this year: go snowboarding in february, training for a half-marathon for march, have my work (modeling & writing) make it into editorial publications, continue seeking counsel from someone that i trust & begin SoZo, start to see a chiropractor, refer to my last relationship as, well, what he is, "my ex" & not say his name(!), watch at least two award winning documentary films a month, read an intellectually stimulating material (articles, books, journals) EVERY WEEK (no ladies, Cosmo doesn't count...c'mon now), play the piano, harmonica & ukulele every week, continue to write each week (journal & blog), and invest in others (people/animals/a philanthropy) more, at least once, each month.here are a few pictures of my recent beginnings to this fun, fresh year:

I'M MAKING MY BABY BOOK!! this is where my parents are holding me, only a few months old :)//

this is my sixth birthday-oh the missing teeth & oh my lord, THE BANGS. workin' it!!//

i adopted this little gem a few days ago-it needed a home. her name is GYPSY & wont get bigger than 3lbs.//

this is my reading (or for some, re-reading) material for the next three months :)now, on my spiritual side, i want to learn, really research, about this thing called "heaven" and as in the words of brett dennen 'what the hell is heaven' anyway. also, "faith" seems strange, to me, in many ways BUT i'm having more faith in faith. i am also believing that the Lord is an honest communicator, that He actually cares (& learning that He is a challenging person). but all in all, the Lord actually listens to me, He hears me (even when I have wept deeply, He is answering. even when I curse and yell at Him, He hears) all i have to say, authentically, is thank you Lord for hearing me out and thank you for your Mercy (not giving me what i do deserve) and thank You, Lord, for your Grace (giving me what i don't deserve). also i'd like to break the cycle of dysfunction & abuse-whether in speech, action, or just being- and although i have some research to do on this, i believe it could be related to generational sin (spoken about in Scripture, but i am still unsure about it all). opinions anyone? i'd welcome your input.to conclude, as written in my blog post "BOLD" of feb 2011, i'll rewrite for an inspiring spark for this FRESH year of 2012: "may this be inspiring to you, as it is for me: 'be fearless: if you make only one resolution this year, let it be to live boldly. you control this moment: rather than cautiously test the water, dive straight into life with freeing abandon. imagine the person you want to be and the life you want to live, then simply commit to them. believe in yourself. embrace your beauty. discover a new passion. and whatever you do, wherever you go, don't be afraid to make a splash.' SELF (january 2011 issue)CHEERS! -katherine(however you may know me: katherine/kate/kat/katie mae/jo-jo/natasha;)

fascinators, anyone?

2011-12-29T06:21:00.000-08:00

i just finished modeling for a look-book shoot for recent Georgia designers (and sisters!) katie & amy. since the website is not up yet, i will keep the designers last names & name of company at bay. B U T enjoy a taste of these unedited images:

let's just admit it, this post is a diary entry :/

2011-12-28T19:23:00.000-08:00

((preface: i wrote this AS SOON AS I WOKE UP and this has very honest feelings & real names in this entry...i debated on writing it all and putting it on my blog, but what they heck, i'm trying to be more transparent & work through this thing called life & writing is an avenue of expression. excuse this post for being more like a diary entry instead of a fun blog post))::so, what felt like all night last night, many dreams occurred. i remember i slept really hard; even as i write this i am, still, fresh waking up.as i quickly write to capture my memory of the dreams, i remember most of the night trying to, well, i don't know how to write this politely. . .poop (haha) i was out with friends and then i had to be excused to "go to the bathroom"....then, when at a party....then, when playing sports outside; it was very strange bc it felt like never ending shit. literally.then i was on what seemed to be a plane and behind me was a friend i was engaging conversation with, just catching up on life. as i am telling her about my ex, i look over & of course, in my dream, he would happen to be there. my ex, nathan, was speaking to another girl-she was definitely into him but the questions she asked & the way she was asking them, i could read his body language like i use to discern when we were together. his responses, non verbal, were very normal in the way he would speak to anyone he did NOT care much about or had much investment in--->meaning, in the way he was not apathetic or when not very involved. i smiled at that; obviously i liked that he wasnt that interested in her. although she was okay in the face/looks department, that caddy & competitive side of me also smiled because i did compare myself to her & knew i (still) won. **this is me being vulnerable, sharing my pride for others to see. this is NOT easy**i then began to listen to what nathans responses were to this woman. he said something about not interested in dating because he was still getting over his ex girlfriend. in my dream i remember i felt a sense of relief, but just writing this statement, i felt/feel hurt at the name "ex-girlfriend", especially when it relates to this man. hurting for real. then i remember seeing nathan's smile at this woman; it made me smile to see him smile, as i remember his "crows feet" so vividly & saw those gaps still in between his teeth-to know he didn't change his smile like he said he always wanted too. then i remember he was trying to tell some of the people around him about his hook up with some car repair guy/something-or-the-other and when he called the guy to prove it, the guy on the other line didnt know who nathan even was, one could tell by the way nathan try to convience him. it made me giggle in my dream, because it was always like nate, when he actually TRIED to be smooth, it never worked out in his favor. ha. oh gosh, so cute.anyway, though he & that girl had small talk as my friend & i did, somehow the girl he was speaking to realized i was the girl, aka "ex", he dated before and she pointed it out to him-he was, of course, awkward at first, not saying much. then he put on his aviators and turned around, his back towards me. but soon after, he turned to me again, i looked at him & actually smiled, a sincere one. a smile that speaks beauty, interest in well being, and a smile that says "its been so freaking long since we've seen, actually/really/truly seen each other". he then tried to smile, then realized through mine i'm guessing, to really look at me & smile. so he took off his aviators & cracked one-but not until our brown eyes met, did i feel in my (dream) heart the warmth & sincerity of his smile. i could see, for the first time in a very long time, that his brown eyes missed mine.then i woke up.NOW, i am not living in some strange fantasy as some women/people do. i know that he & i are over-i honestly (and if he reads this, sadly) do not remember what we even had nor recall the expression or meaning behind "i love you". i know that he and i are not together and will not get back together and that i am in fact his "ex-girlfriend" and he is my "ex".the past few months i have realized that i need to learn to forgive myself for the screw ups & mistakes i made/we made together. i also need to forgive nathan. others who knew our relationship would honestly think there were little to no negatives in our relationship and honestly, i agree, BUT we were not perfect, but then again, who is? i will admit that this was the only relationship that i have experienced that was unconditional love given & unconditional love received. i have also realized recently, out of no where, certain memories that were SO GOOD about he & i that have made me actually smile when thinking back about him. for example: the way he always lit candles when we were together, how we opened our car doors for one another, how he would play the "shes country" (aldean) chorus just because i loved to hear it, the night we listened to "bringing down the horse" record while literally i just layed on the floor & he on the sofa, how he was always objective but on my side when my mother & i got into it & pointed out how she could use her words to 'cut', remembering how hard he struggled with his parents affection towards his adopted sister/younger brother & being sensitive to that; always encouraging him to DO his hearts desire (music) but voicing that it didnt define who he was/is; the way we would talk through other's examples of how we wanted to communicate & just BE and more importantly, learning from those we did not respect & talking through what we did not want out of a relationship, marriage, and raising children.i am thankful, so thankful, to have dated him. i am thankful he was man enough to work through whatever the hell it is he needs to. and i am thankful he did not and does not feel like he OWES ME anything. he is such a MAN-i still like that about him. the hardest & probably most important thing i have realized over the past year of our break up is this: i do not love him nor am i in love with him, but it is what we had-a relationship, a pretty fucking solid relationship, that we had that i miss. and although its strange to realize that i miss the relationship, it is also ironic that i don't remember, as mentioned above, what we even had. but what we had was good & all in all, its still confusing what went wrong/why we are not together, B U T we are not together, it is what it is. i am moving forward; its the only way to go. anyway, when i awoke from all these dreams, i realized that the feeling i had at the beginning of the nights dreams (poopy feeling) happened - i actually didnt "go to the bathroom" but in fact realized the meaning of the feeling in the beginning of the dreams: so, honestly & bluntly, here it is: i still have a lot of shit inside of me to work through/out. although i have been through amazingly difficult and amazingly good counseling since last december (2010) i still have so much to do inside my mind, inside my heart, inside my soul.::

sensations

2011-10-31T21:51:00.000-07:00

for a while i've contemplated the areas of the senses. how the senses relate to my life. my experiences. how about your life? how has the sense of touch, sight, taste, smell, & hearing affected your life, your experiences that now affect your day to day life?i have written a few pages of reflections (not online) on the above mentioned senses. to just name a couple are sight and smell: whenever i look into a blue eyed male, i look for specks of yellow outside of the pupil because it reminds me of my fathers eyes, which in a very strange way reminds me of the comfort my father rbought me when he looked into my eyes as if a part of him is looking at me; or smelling my make-up blush brush after application because its the same designer label my mother used, which reminds me of her scent after each kiss i gave her on her cheek...still processing the effects & affects of senses and thankful i have them all (!) and hope my writings bring thought-provoking observations to others everyday life :)

life

2011-10-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

preface: i revisited my parents home/the house that built me for THE FIRST time on the one-year anniversary of my mother's passing, which was this past friday, October 7th. here is a story written by me the last day that i was there & i began a new chapter in life (literally) after may 2nd 2011.

(the house that built me) so it is true: a house can really help build somebody, as did this one. honestly, it's not the house itself, it is the ones inside of it. obviously writing about my parents and my siblings, oh and all of those pets who resided in this house as well :) //i just literally shut the door to 25 years of deep love, screaming fights, a house full of happy memories as well as hellacious memories. the dogwood tree (seen right in the photo) planted the day i was born in 1986, swinging my first baseball bat in the front yard when i was three which led to many broken windows from my attempts to hit balls over the roof & practice pitching with rocks (oops!), to driving when i was three into bricks in the back yard, to age four after watching an episode of unsolved mysteries & calling 911 repeatedly to what felt like hundreds of cop cars outside our house show up, to attempting to help build my treehouse with my father & the hammer took me overboard sliding down a tree face first & the black-eye that helped welcome me into my kindergarden class :) to many spend the night barbie parties or where my older siblings house parties were hosted to which i felt like the cool, hip little, cute sister who received attention from older teenagers happened, to tent nights on my trampoline out in my backyard, many barbecues and amazing sunday brunches were prepared by my father and dinners were cooked by our "every meal deserves a stick of butter" mother which we ate while watching wheel-of-fortune every night; many teenage fights & door slamming happened on my selfish part, while my mother unconditionally loved me through those terrible times in my life. my father worked 6 days a week without fail, maybe taking a total of two/three weeks vacation every 10 years! Hard working to say the least! My mother sacrificed her life & even health to take care of us-how little did i appreciate that until after she passed...//i mentioned "hellacious memories": my parent's restroom where my father passed and a year later, my restroom where my mother's heart began to fade & she fell into my arms. how i hate hearing sirens near this house, because i have heard them enough. little did i realize that this home was not only the home i grew up in, but the one my parents would die in... this is the nonpareil. //this is the house that i've always known. the address i've always known. the phone number that never changed. my home.//however, 'sad' is not what i think about as i literally packed up what was left inside and shut the door today. SHUT THE DOOR. wow. //twenty-five years of this house that has (help build/) built me will now no longer be the home in my life, but always apart of it. too young, yes, i feel like its too early, but this is the curve ball that was pitched & i've been preparing to swing... i am nothing but thankful for what i have experienced, am still learning & processing a lot, and pray i can bring hope to others somehow in some way or another. //815/marietta, i love ya--->thank you for helping me in this thing called life.

i'll have a non-fat, extra dirty, chai tea latte. . .

2011-10-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

a few shots for an upcoming legit shoot/magazine submissions :)

**location: marietta, ga**photographer: paul copeland::website/contact: http://www.copelandimagery.com/photos.html

a quick spring photoshoot

2011-10-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

just a few of the quick & casual shoot. . .

**location: my condo, east atlanta**photographer credit: paul david wright **contact: http://www.paulwright.com/ ; http://www.rootdownsound.com/

missing

2011-06-11T18:39:00.000-07:00

simply put: i miss you. actually that doesnt even convey deep enough feelings but that is all i can type. i miss you mother. i miss those loving, sweet arms that were always welcoming me to sit in your lap, your arms that were always giving me hugs around my body or when we were laying down beside each other your arm would always be over my body, or when we rode in the car together & you were driving the right arm that always attempted to act as an extra seatbelt of protection. haha
no matter the description, it is best said about those arms of yours, they were always open.

::i miss you::

alone?

2011-03-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

random but:

when my heart breaks, theres one who doesnt shake-stands so strong, so still

when i feel alone, one's never left my side; always within reach...

elicit

2011-02-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

bought out or built up?

that question of ultimatum just exploded into my thinking process. what am i willing to do, where am i willing to go, who am i willing to be and will i accomplish each by being built or being bought? but ever so thought provoking...

da truf

2011-02-21T12:45:00.000-08:00

...i knew i purchased this card for a reason a year ago ;)

it still applies to my life to this day!
xo

i believe, help my unbelief

2011-02-14T06:37:00.000-08:00

so for two years i connected with this song and felt like it should have been written by me. this is my heart. my honesty. a constant self reminder, especially internally, in my thought process. to let one inside of my world a little bit more, this was first listened to a few weeks before someone very close to me tragically left my life. i ignored this song until recently, when yet again, someone close to me is now out of my life. i feel like these lyrics kick my sweet little heart's ass into shape, reminding me to not put too much pride/hope in 'things' or 'people' AND to stay grounded in whatever i choose believe.

"i’m not the clothes i’m wearing
i’m not a photograph
i’m not the car I drive

i’m not the money i make
i’m not the things i lack
i’m not the songs that i write

i am … who i am
i am who i am

there are true things inside of me
i have been afraid to see
i believe, help my unbelief
would you say again what you said to me
i am loved and i am free
i believe, help my unbelief

i’m not the house i live in
i’m not the man i love
i’m not the mistakes that i carry

i’m not the food that i don’t eat
i’m not what i’m above
i’m not my scars and my history

there are true things inside of me
i have been afraid to see
i believe, help my unbelief
would you say again what you said to me
i am loved(!!) and i am free(!!)
i believe, help my unbelief"

(credits: jj heller true things)

hopeful

2011-02-14T06:27:00.000-08:00

these lyrics hit it out of the park when you know someone who let things get to them to the point of breaking, giving up all hope in this one life given to us to LIVE, truly live.

'don’t let your eyes get used to darkness
the light is coming soon
don’t let your heart get used to sadness
put your hope in what is true

no matter how the wind may blow
it cannot shake the sun
lay your sorrows on the ground
it’s time to come back home

when the future seems uncertain
like the coming of a storm
your loving Father carries his children
when they can’t walk anymore

no matter how the wind may blow
it cannot shake the sun
lay your sorrows on the ground
it’s time to come back home'
(credits: jj heller)

hopeful |ˈhōpfəl|
adjective
feeling or inspiring optimism about a future event

excerpts

2011-02-13T16:27:00.000-08:00

pivoting steps.

love hurts so much. broken love damages when one or both sides doesn’t want to make it work.

as i arrived home after the unrecoverable, i was so physically cold that i just wanted to lay down & fall asleep in the same clothes i wore out. one foot in the bed, i realized that i would wake to the same ensemble that was not only seen from the recent one truly loved, but almost as if déjà vu would occur, being too tough to undress because my clothing somehow connected with him, to that last night together.

the thought of reliving heartbreak brought on more emotions for i then began to think about that previous night & all the pains that came in it. all this from a simple ensemble. weird.

as I took my foot out of the bed, i placed both feet on the floor and began to peel off each layer I had on my body.

first untied my scarf, then unbuttoned and untied my peacoat. unlooped my belted waist. slipped off my yellow cardigan. then began to weep.

and weep some more.

went to brush my teeth, began to floss one tooth & just not caring to floss (which all who know me, is not normal) i threw it away only to swish some mouthwash. as i looked at myself in the mirror, “mess” i thought to myself, then proceeded to rinse out my mouth. again, began to cry noisily... convulsive gasps if you will. (quiet humorous now thinking back on this pathetic, yet necessary healing time in my life).

i kept crying tears of deep heart ache.

the restroom used for cleansing my mouth as well as a tsunami of tears was the same restroom last used by my mother the night before she passed. crying aloud i said, “mother, i wish you were here. i wish you were here to hold me. oh mother” and preceded to lay in the exact same spot on the floor, to weep aloud, the night paramedics came to the house to take her away.

[[this sad “reliving the pain” moment lasted shortly, but felt so much longer.
oh the pain of love and once loved.

i know facing the pain of death and heartbreak is very different, but at that moment, i wanted to find comfort of both/unanimously. somewhat strange, i know, but i'm growing so much through crying out my grief & mentally reliving the worst of situations so i can move forward.]]

as i ripped off my shirt, then my skirt, i did think about keeping my tights on. the temperature was so frigid, i wanted to conceal as much body heat as possible, but then reminded myself that every layer needed to be stripped.

stripped of that night.

off with my charcoal tights, along with my top and bottom ‘under goodies’.

[[if i want to move on and have a positive outlook while doing so, i must confront what is put in my life in an objective, tactful, loving, truthful way, no matter the (cold!) conditions. life brings tough choices, it's all in how i handle those deck of cards. i (want to) earnestly confront what has brought me grief & happiness. i am continuing to learn how to live my life to capacity no matter what may come.]]

that night, tears were the only thing that covered my body.

bold

2011-02-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

//
is it a natural inclination to be audacious? when visiting a coffee shop, i usually get a bold black cup of joe. there's nothing like fresh steam rising up though my senses. and the taste. one word: pleasantly-sinful-yet-warmly-satisfying-these-cold-bones-of-mine.

OKAY so that's not one word, but i just wanted to clarify the meaning of sippin' on something so fresh and oh-so good.

obviously if i get the same result every visit, i'm clearly not audacious. therefore, this became a thought, which lead to a reflection, which developed into a conclusion:

if i don't step out of the ordinary, things will always be (somewhat) homogeneous. things could be better, yet if i am not willing to try, i will continue to live within those boundary walls that i created for myself.

next time i grab a cup of deliciousness, i will pick a cup of luxury never tasted. i will do so because this is what i want for my own life; to live bold, to live for risks, to live fresh, to live & not be afraid of failure, to live fearlessly, to live period :)

may this be inspiring to you, as it is for me: "be fearless: if you make only one resolution this year, let it be to live boldly. you control this moment: rather than cautiously test the water, dive straight into life with freeing abandon. imagine the person you want to be and the life you want to live, then simply commit to them. believe in yourself. embrace your beauty. discover a new passion. and whatever you do, wherever you go, don't be afraid to make a splash." SELF (january 2011 issue)
//

derivative?

2011-01-12T07:30:00.000-08:00

I just pumped air into a new stability ball, which was purchased months ago. And I recently began to read the Word of God again, so placed that Knowledge next to my bed. For some reason, I put my stability ball instructions inside of the book, which happens to be my mother’s Bible. My mother always wrote little notes on the pages, so I figured that I would read her issue to gain some background information on whatever Scripture she read at that moment in time.

As I began to read chapter thirty of Isaiah, the first chunk of verses reminded me to stay close to a corporate body of believers, asking the Lord for direction and actually listening & choosing those ways. To not put too much trust in others because all will let down to some degree and to be wise with the money I make and invest. Do not place its value in things easily breakable or completely unprofitable.

From what I understood on verse ten, many people who do not know God as well as those who do, ask Him for the good and pleasant all the time, not considering that positive can come from a “No” or from instruction that seems detrimental.
Verse twelve, really spoke to me about others who take advantage of the bad in life to gain attention as well as those who thrive off dishonesty; this really opened my eyes, that so many people are so selfish. I know that sounds naïve, but I constantly need reminding of this.

Although the God I serve is jealous, He is also compassionate and longs to give grace and justice-we are blessed when we wait on Him (v.18). “How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer” (v. 19) If the Bible is true, everything inside is written Truth; meaning then, that not one thing is false.

I have to have faith or believe that the Lord is an honest communicator-He listens to me, He hears me. Even when I have wept deeply, He is answering. Even when I curse and yell at Him, He hears. Thank you Lord, for your Mercy and for your Grace.

Have you ever heard people say a phrase along the lines of: ‘when I read this, it jumped off the pages’… well I think I just had that literary moment! While reading: “v.20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. v.21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying ‘This is the way, walk in it’… v.26 The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be (brighter), when the Lord binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted”

Whoa.

Yea.. Wow.

Yes those words penetrated right to my insides, I guess one would say "to my soul", but without sounding too cliché, i will just write 'insides' :)
I am still trying to process that truth; not that those are words to only bring comfort to those going through rough times, but springs inorganic hope and life to all. And to those going through dark, deep dark circumstances, there is Light and there will be more to those whom trek is obscure.

A few things I have “pondered” (is that even a word? ...just like ‘reckon’, I mean, why is that even listed in Webster?) but yes, a few things I "thought" about that lead me to even reading this Scripture and I want to continue to think through:
1. is it by chance that my stability ball instructions were even placed inside a Bible & not trashed? Or is it a metaphor that "stable" "instructions" were in Scripture?
2. My mother’s Bible-was it her faithfulness that encouraged me to read?
3. And I've been dealing with loss...She was a parental, so much of a foundation. Foundation gone…?

Answers: 1. Hardly by chance. I feel as though the Lord was saying: “Duh, here is your instruction and I am stable-→lean on me during these tough times!! Don’t put your trust in men/women only-T.R.U.S.T me, trust yourself, you’ll learn to trust others and gain more discernment.” 2. Actually yes-Scripture speaks so much about “generational” blessings, curses, addictions, etc… I am thankful for her faithfulness to the Lord, because when I was not, she was praying for me and the Lord answered and has kept me in His family. 3. The Lord is & should always be my Foundation

...this is what I am learning at this moment in time...

first

2011-01-11T16:02:00.000-08:00

so today, the first month of the year, i realized that i am "alone" (without a seriously committed guy) for the first time in six years. not that i have to have a man, but that i have chosen the ones in my life and now we have gone our separate ways. and the one i chose, well, it is very strange/hard to be without that one.

when the new year began, i realized that it was my first year out of the rest of my years, without both of my parents. that was not an easy cognition. although i know time will help and i will stay positive about moving forward, i do not know if it will ever necessarily get easier but i will choose to do just that: move forward.

memory serving the best and not the worst; photographs catching those memories that will assist in foretelling the past; determining what is ahead for what the future holds for my life.

wanting the best of the best; hoping for the best of the best; desiring the best of the best; loving the best and the worst; knowing that i already have all the above and it will continue to come.

untitled

2011-01-04T04:53:00.000-08:00

ever awoke to find that the dreams you were having were some how related to your life, yet so unreal it didn't seem true?
this a.m. around 4:20ish, something uncanny caused me to not be able to fall back asleep. tossing & turning, i began to think about so many things.
who is suffering at that moment in time; why was i thinking such "preparing myself for the worst" thoughts/reactions; what was causing so much cataclysmic feelings?

this post sounds so downcast but that is the exact opposite of what i actually want. although i question within the pessimistic attention, i am aiming for positive Truth. discovering that only good will come and can come, if made by conscious choice.

“keep your dreams alive. understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief (in yourself), vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. remember all things are possible for those who believe.” -gail devers

infuse/infusion

2010-12-26T10:56:00.000-08:00

:: ::
there have been times when i have rejected those who have loved me most (speaking of God above). but i see myself in the half way-between-stage of rejection and a needing of God, on His terms. basically a point where there is no middle ground.

"unless we come to a place where God thinks of us, than things of this world will determine whether i am happy or sad...at peace or depressed, productive or paralyze" thank you tom tanner and Holy scripture.

:: ::

what i think about and the decisions that i make.. overall direction. this is where i am right now.

i am at a point in life where i can do anything, i can go anywhere, i can have a new beginning with career, life, friends, personal relationship(s), living, art; life. a better life. a new, unknown life.

any thing, being, doing may infuse.

but the difference in this exploration of life is: choice. will i choose, overall, to obey God in what i do and where i go? even when it might bring failure? or am i too bent on success?

i will succeed. i will persevere in what may come and what i will do with this life. but i do wish not to compromise my convictions. and i will not settle for less than the best.

i need convincing of who God is. inject in me, God, a holy encounter.
:: ::

queries

2010-12-18T19:16:00.000-08:00

so i've been doing a little researching, reading if you will, about such things of life as sorrow, love, grief, marriage, etc... i have some questions on Paul's writing that i will be doing further study on. but why, with no known background of relational status, should i concur with him about marital status. "marital status", (as mentioned in the third verse of the seventh chapter of first corinthians) what does that definition mean, both historically and presently?

also, why will two who become one face more troubles than one alone? (verse twenty-eight of the same chapter)

all i know is that i am learning even more that the reason i have or even need a God is because if there were no bad things, better yet, if everything was peachy-keen, why then, would i need a God??

so, comforts, cushions, majority of safety, interjects of death bring forth much crisis; crisis exposes otherwise the hidden truths of a soul.

do you have soul? have you searched or even know who you truly are?

unconventional?

2010-11-28T20:56:00.000-08:00

random that artifacts are kept for years. i mean, thirty plus years here that i am typing about! reason of my type is that i am cleaning (as miranda lambert has so delightfully written) "the house that built me" of twenty-four years and upon cleaning, throwing away, and giving to various charities, i have found both my mother and father's artifacts of their youth that has been treasured over all these years.

not that i like what is happening currently or am joyful to discover such, but am, how should i put it, adequately content that i have found (written, photographic, awards, yearbooks, & that of the such) history of my mother & father that is running through my veins. unconventional? i think not. organized hoarder(s)? possibly.

i just consider it all conventionally bittersweet.

::

may healing come. and come in a peaceful swiftness.

granted

2010-10-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

back to blogging after a year off. not only by choice, but also by lack of resources. my mac of six years of age decided to go to computer heaven, so i lived without my own laptop from aug 2009-sept 2010.

during this time, i traveled to the northeast. this was right after my father passed away. finding only that the time in boston (for a short period of 6 months) had me come right back to the south per a few more troubling times in my life.

i went straight into corporate world (after my two non-profit jobs right out of college). knew that the position was not what i wanted to do with my life but (1) thankful to be employed & (2) happy to learn new skills and gain informative work experience for upcoming opportunities.

then march 13th (remembered exact date per this is my boyfriend's birthday) my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. a few weeks later, stage 4 when some cancer cells showed in the brain. my mother immediately began the strongest of the strong chemo AND radiation treatments. we also went to inner healing prayer groups where countless people laid hands on her, spoke truth, and asked God for healing beyond belief. during this time, more hard times happened within the family, but we all encouraged & loved one another through it.

back to my mother's treatment: she finished strong this summer of 2010 and the tumor decreased by 50%!! unbelievable news says the physicians.

summer & fall roll around and not only do i complete ACE personal training certification, but i am accomplishing more financial goals to get out of debt, AND finally purchase a macbook pro (pif!). i am excited to explore more job opportunities, research, write, upload my photos, listen to music, etc... on my own computer :) :) :) it sounds so norm, but i really took small joys for granted. i also learned patience and that nothing will come without hard work & much, much effort.

that also goes towards my mother... her body & will had so much strength and effort towards living. the last month of sept & oct have been nothing short of bittersweet.

oct 6th, my mother and i had our last 30 minuets together before collapsing in my arms. little did i know that this instance was not an attention getter or joke. for some reason, i did NOT panic, i just called 911 and calmly called my siblings to meet me at the hospital.

the physicians thought it was pneumonia in her lungs and dehydration and that she would stay overnight but she would be fine. this was reassuring, so i thought.
after a few hours, my mother began to talk sentences and informed me that she was in pain; that she loved me; wanted to have something to drink; wanted to know if certain people knew where she was; and again, that she loved me, jane, and michael so much.
she also told me she felt like she was dying & repeated. i brushed it off as "silly talk" and reassured her that she was doing great(!) & would come out fine! that i would see her in the morning and that i would bring her my fathers socks that she asked for since her feet were cold.
...so much i took for granted.

received a text from my brother who left three hours after i did informing @ 3:45am (oct 7th) that mother was doing much better and in icu until the next day or two.

@ 7:50am michael called me, only to inform that mother was alive but on life support. i was floored.

basically, on oct 7th, the tumor hit an artery near her heart, bleeding from the inside out. and after three recessations, she was announced passed. i still dont understand, yet dont really want to.

she was celebrating Jesus. still is.

before the announcement, i tried to take her wedding rings off because i knew what was about to happen. they wouldn't budge. michael tried and after a few minuets, succeeded. right after, the nurse announced her heart rate was dropping and did we want to keep her alive; immediately we both shouted YES. this was before the third recessation.

i take it as soon as we took off her wedding rings her heart couldn't stand being away from my father any longer. . . .poetic?

not that i take for granted this thing called life, but if i'm honest with myself, i have. and so many moments with the two that loved me most and now are forever gone from this earth.

realizing this, though, has taught me to absorb all life offers, especially joys, laughter, and any experience. even love. to not take someone loving me for granted and to not love others in vain.

i never thought i'd take a year off from writing, nor did i think that within this year i would lose another parent; especially when grieving the last still hasnt fully happened.

to end this lengthy (yet short year-in-the-life version) post, i have always mindfully set life goals for myself: one of which is to be intentional. i feel as though i have tried to be, but now i know i took so much of life for granted and i failed to appreciate certain people/experiences and i actually was not intentional on certain levels. thank you mother and thank you father for all of life's lessons you taught me (not all are mentioned below of course): that i only have one reputation to keep, to forgive much, to love with all my heart soul mind body spirit and strength, to be myself and not let a man change me, to be kind to those who are elderly and whom get belittled by the world, that a house of love is better than a house with riches, and that "'this too shall pass'.

::k.j.l::

adventure & culture

2009-10-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

::i am very excited to know more about what they find as they climb

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmPkqn9XIng&feature=player_embedded

never been to this part of the country but it looks amazing. i hope they can share love & hope & health with the cultures they connect with::

from a gym lover...

2009-09-27T14:25:00.000-07:00

got this image from crossfit.com, which i receive my daily workout from in Hanson MA-
one of the numerous stations that trains those who want elite fitness & performance outcomes. check out a local cross fitness near you; i swear you'll never look @the gym the same again...

she won my heart all over again

2009-09-13T16:04:00.001-07:00

this is why ann curry is someone i look up too...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iy3LtJUQvik&feature=player_embedded

come 'on, sing loud

2009-09-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

life is busy up north. i am very happy with the new challenges ahead. working for WTCR online radio station, on a media/communications committee, mentoring adolscent girls, and volunteering @FATV, a local access tv station, within sports & an upcoming election.

planet fitness & crossfit fitness ( http://www.cynergytraining.com/ ) help keep my butt in shape AND it's such a release from work!!

not much time for hanging out, like back home in Atlanta. I really miss my friends & Midtown Community Church. I know that the Lord is teaching me much while I am on my own up here and I'm doing my best to listen.

just asking for direction & that the route would come sooner, rather than later :)

reaching

2009-08-05T05:22:00.000-07:00

over the past year, i have kept in contact with a few of my fellow Botswana friends. keeping mindful of others outside the states, my heart longs for many people in the countries of africa. i praise the God i serve for the country i live in. america: what an incredible blessing.
i hope to bring love, freedom, peace, encouragement to others in need of such, even outside of my borders.
the past few days i have had contact with a man that i met at a leadership conference. he currently resides in botswana as a medical missionary and has encouraged me to do so.
strange, but since i have been in massachusetts, i've considered whether media is the area God wants me to go in, the other option being a dietitian or more extensively, a pa.
so i wonder, whether this is just a coincidence or if the Lord is putting this man in my life to encourage me in the way God is leading-->even if the health care system seems to begin to crumble to pieces from this new health care plan within the usa.

i just want to be financially wise is the decisions i make and ultimately be productive, efficient, and effective in all that i do and make a difference not only in the lives of others, but for the Lord i serve.

bring it ;)

2009-07-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

::recently i have been experiencing a block from writing:: maybe this has derived from my lack of intellectual reading/philosophy:: but no matter the many times i have logged into vivacious, i cannot think of anything worthy of type:: yet, i still cannot deny myself of the tough times i'm undergoing:: not finding myself (true self. who am i really??) and personal relational struggles (home/family); some would say i am granted this right of strife, but even if i may have such a passage, i dont want to go through these times:: i know that the Lord allows everyone to go through ups and downs, otherwise why would i need Him?::

::seasons of pain, seasons of confusion, seasons of unknown are what i am experiencing (and have been for months):: sometimes i actually realize that there has been a joy sucked out of me that will never be replaced:: has anyone else felt such a blow to their spirit? to one's soul? to ones heart? ::yea... ::thank God for seasons::

::as i make my way into this world, i am going to put myself out there:: when i fall on my *fanny (knowing that failure will come), i WILL return on my feet, performing 110% for the better:: refusing to give into the excuses (as a crutch), i am going against the odds:: now is the time for me; if i do not take advantage, then time will take advantage of me. ultimately that spells regret- regret will not get the best of me::

p.s. ::oh, and i'm thankful that Love loves me back::

'tis the season to get hitched!

2009-05-22T15:11:00.000-07:00

As I am with my mother, we are reminiscing about her first wedding day--> looking through a photography book that my grandmother made for her on that special day. Gosh so much has happened within the last 30 years: God has brought so many wonderful things together in the midst of the good and the not-so-good times.

I've been asked to be apart of someone's special day of commitment and pledging of themselves to one other one weekend of the following months: May, June, July, August, & October. I'm in a season of weddings, but very thankful! Talk about on my way to 27 dresses. . .

It was so sweet to listen to my mother memories of her wedding day, while currently experiencing those similar memories with all my best friend's on their day. No rush on my side, I am waiting, but "cannot wait" until the Lord's timing for my special day :) What a day that will be- bringing all the glory & honor to Him, while partying the night away :)

why the "v" word?

2009-05-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

nothing more encouraging than learning from the descents of life and bouncing back into hope. and nothing more sickening than those who are emotionally-binded and those who chose to live in the lies this world offers... classicly as al pacino quoted in scent of a woman: "there is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit. there is no prosthesis for that."
::vivacious::
to live spirited, be confident, love much. this is what i believe in; this is what i aim to be. and thanks be to Jesus for giving me a hope to become such.